Shhh… I will tell you all the reasons why.
I have a long history with sex toys and using them to masturbate, so it might surprise my readers to hear that it took me up until about two years ago to finally try the OG, I mean Original Gangster Magic Wand vibrator.
You know, the kind that plugs into the wall and is as loud as your average power tool and gives you orgasms that send you to the moon.
It took me so long to try it because I just had the idea that it was overrated.
It seemed to only serve the one purpose of intense clitoral orgasms, which is fine, but there are so many other, more versatile toys that also deliver me intense clitoral orgasms and don’t have to plug into the wall.
I also thought to myself, this was my grandmother’s vibrator.
I mean, it wasn’t, I never actually did or ever actually would use my grandmother’s vibrator, but I mean it’s the vibrator of her generation, like, the first that used electric tools to masturbate with.
Forgive me to feel slightly weird out thinking of using a toy on myself that the grandmother who shamed me for masturbating as a child might have used as well.
On the opposite hand, there’s the weird, super porny aspect of them — or at least in my head there is.
By which I mean, when you see Magic Wands used in porn, they’re usually being used to orgasm torture a woman — held on her clit by a Dom while she cums repeatedly, violently, uncontrollably.
Either that, or it’s a woman holding it to her own clit and then she squirts at the camera like a garden hose.
The first time I used a magic wand I tried using it how the porn stars do it.
I tried just sitting upright in my bed with my legs splayed, holding it to my clit and just… waiting.
I suppose maybe if I’d kept at that long enough I would have cum eventually, or I just would have lost all feeling in my pussy, but I know what works for me.
I put the Magic Wand on top of a pile of pillows and grinder against it hard and fast — and came very hard and very fast.
AND VERY FAST.
But, the Magic Wand has its downsides, and they are big ones.
First, it plugs into the fucking wall.
It’s 2022, let’s get with the rechargeable program here.
Second, it’s way too loud.
I can only use it when no one else is home because it literally sounds like someone is turning on an electric drill and I’m sure it can be heard downstairs from my bedroom — at least that’s what I’ve convinced myself.
Third, and this is a big one, once when I was riding this thing, the rubber head started slipping off, and thank god I finished when I did, because the fucking thing has a MOTOR underneath it that could have maybe chewed my pussy to shreds.
So, yes, I was thrilled when Funzze contacted me to try one of their toys, the Mini Wand Massager.
In theory, the Funzze’s Mini Wand Massager is supposed to do the exact same thing as the Magic Wand, but it’s a small, handheld version that is conveniently rechargeable and easy to clean after you cum all over it.
I didn’t bother trying to go porn star with this wand, I charged it up (it took less than two hours to get a full charge) turned it on, and climbed on top.
Was it as powerful as the OG Magic Wand?
It’s not a power tool — but it is an essential tool that will be added to my repertoire.
Because it’s quiet.
It’s quiet, ladies!
It’s quiet enough to use when my family is downstairs watching television and I have some alone time in my bedroom, and that is a gift that keeps on giving when it comes to sex toys for me.
Because it wasn’t quite as powerful, it took a little longer to get off than the Magic Wand takes me, but not much longer.
I can also tell that at least for me, this is a “sure thing” kind of toy.
I don’t see any way in which I can use this little wand the way I like to use it and NOT have an orgasm, so believe what you will, but I’m retiring my OG Magic Wand to the bag where toys go to get dusty and I’m keeping this other one next to my bed for a little while.
I highly recommend you do the same thing.
I was provided this toy in exchange for an honest review — these are not affiliate links.